It's okay to not be okay ♡

As I sit here and write this, I can honestly say it feels SO damn good to be back. I went on a small hiatus that wasn't planned for at all. Life started to pick up a little faster than I was able to keep up with, and with that, things that I enjoyed doing (such as writing/blogging) started to feel more like a chore as oppose to a hobby. The constant need to survive and get through the year kept me away from writing for 10 months. My voice was silenced for 10 months. An outlet that I used as my form of art in the world, was unintentionally put away for 10 months.

2021 was a year that I simply have no words for. Of course everyone's experience differs across the board.....but in reality, it felt like a year that was extremely hard mentally and emotionally. This year I think we all came face-to-face with triumph, transition. hardship, relentlessness. tiredness, fight, lessons, heaviness, growth. sacrifice. disappointment, darkness, confusion. uncertainty, sadness, etc.

Don't get me wrong, when things were good they were GREAT, but when things got bad, it felt like it got dark and lonely. Too often I think we're able to mask the quality of our life circumstances through the immediate access of media, substances, "survival" culture, and overall fear of being expressive. However, the self-realization that commenced this year wasn't something that neither me or even you reading this could have necessarily hid from. 2021 felt like a fill in year for whatever is destined to come next year. Essentially a minor setback for a major comeback. And damn it, I apologize in advance for the comeback that's about to take place next year.

Despite the growing pains of the year, I was still able to reflect on the many highlights that happened in the midst of the storm.

Since my last post, I started a whole new career path, turned 25 years of age, moved to a new city, completed my first birth as a birth doula, moved with more intention about things, found ways to become a better daughter, sister, friend, cousin. etc. partied my asss off, cried privately,

but smiled publicly (always) because that's what queens do! In general, this year felt like the year that the universe decided to respond to WHO I FEEL I AM! In realizing who I know I'm becoming, I had to come to terms with the harsh reality that everything and everyone can't come with me. New levels, new devils and respectfully, you don't look familiar...

Things started to get harder the moment I started to feel like I unlocked another level of myself. But what I also realized was in the midst of all these blessings, I was never taking the time to actually be thankful, and I mean INTENTIONALLY THANKFUL for the things that were presenting themselves to me. Things as simple as being able to walk, to something as big as having somewhere to live. I started to get distracted in the noise and chaos that I would neglect things as small as being thankful on a consistent basis.

I would make time for a party. But not make time to give thanks. Wake up to go run an errand. But not wake up to give thanks for the ability to even be able to run an errand. As someone who likes to think of herself as very spiritual, I can openly admit that I feel the imbalance when I don't pray like I used to. When I don't give thanks like I used to. When I don't take the time to slow down and just appreciate things like I used to. I felt like this year kept me in such a frenzy I became consistent to surviving life as oppose to remaining consistent to my faith, my health, my womb, my body.

On Friday November 19th 2021 I went to work as I normally do because duh? How else are the bills going to get paid???

The thing is, I had no indication that the day I went to work on this particular Friday, that my life would change forever. I was only at work for maybe 2.5 hours before I started to feel "weird". I wasn't necessarily sick but I was having a lot of symptoms of what felt like an anxiety attack. As someone who believes she struggles with anxiety (not actually diagnosed) I assumed I was possibly having my very first attack. My breathing was off, my palms were sweaty, I felt very pale and claustrophobic, my heart was beating a little faster than it normally does, and I was experiencing a lot of random moments of Deja Vu along with slight fear of little understanding as to what was currently happening around me.

Mentally, I was trying to talk myself out of whatever was happening, but physically my body wouldn't let me. All I've ever known is to keep pushing. Keep fighting. Keep going. Keep grinding. Keep hustling. My body was literally trying to communicate to me through warnings/symptoms and I still wanted to fight through it despite not even knowing what was really going on. After informing administration that I was okay (or so I thought) after the countless water and air breaks, all I remember was sitting in my classroom when my eyes started to roll and my head started to nod off with it. When I was finally able to open my eyes, I was in the back of an EMT truck where they informed me that I just had two seizures. Upon arriving to the hospital I had two more and in total ended up having 5 seizures. I was absolutely shook.

3 months into turning 25 years old, I was diagnosed with epilepsy. As someone who wasn't even aware of what epilepsy was prior to this, I later found out that it's a disorder in which nerve cell activity in the brain is disturbed, causing seizures. Epilepsy can occur as a result of a genetic disorder or an acquired brain injury, such as trauma or stroke. The diagnosis prohibits me from driving for one year, along with daily meds which I am required to take, no consumption of alcohol, resistance from bright and/or strobing lights, keeping my stress levels to a minimum, getting a good amount of sleep, tons of self-care, etc.

I was physically hearing the information that was being said to me, but mentally I didn't and couldn't understand it. I was confused how I had no history of seizures the week before and now I'm being told that I have to wear a heart monitor on my chest for two weeks. I was confused how I'm someone who isn't a big advocate for certain medications, yet I'm now required to take medication for the sake of my health. How did I get here? What did I miss? You pry your mind with so many questions after doing so much research and you just wonder what you could have done differently or avoided to not have gotten here. This was the hardest pill I've ever had to swallow and it took me almost two weeks after everything happened to realize the reality of the entire situation. I was frozen. I cried a cry I've never cried before. Felt a sadness I haven't felt in a long time. I had more questions than I was able to receive answers. My bounce back spirit and survival mode nature didn't seem to work this time. I was screaming on the inside but nobody could hear me.

The thing is, if I "believe" something is wrong, then my body mentally responds to that thought or idea. As opposed to feeling defeated, sad, upset, hurt, or confused I decided to turn tragedy into triumph. To have little to no recollection of what took place before and after the seizures, in a weird way it feels like I was given "another chance" to try this thing again. My body literally shut down on me and then rebooted itself to give me a do over. With that being said, I'm taking my energy back from situations and environments that don't make me feel like home.

Finding out that I have epilepsy made me realize that it's okay to not be okay! I exhausted myself mentally, spiritually, physically, and emotionally to the point where my body couldn't endure it anymore. I was taking on a lot of energy by caring about everything and everyone, but neglecting myself. Attracting spaces and environments where my love wasn't valued or reciprocated. Working two jobs but not taking my vacations. Often being the giver, but never having opportunities to receive. Always saying "yes", because I don't want others to be disappointed by my "no". Not setting boundaries to my access. Extending tired friendships/relationships. etc. From this point forward, I'm calling back all energy that belongs to me. For the sake of my mental and emotional health I'm choosing me because I'm done with people pleasing.

2022 I'm entering a new level of my WORTH ethic. I choose to take time and space with myself by cherishing moments that require me to breath and flow. I plan to be more gentle with myself in all areas that I'm weak. I'm giving myself space to remain creatively intuitive, which requires MY solitude. I will attract emotionally mature allies, and always remember to surround myself in circles and spaces with individuals who actually see me, and respect me. I AM HONEY. I AM LIGHT. I AM DIVINE. 2022 I will treat myself as such.

Above all else, I'm just so eternally grateful to be here. Life is so gentle. It's so fragile. Take nothing for granted. Take nothing lightly. Including people, breath in your lungs, "how are you" texts, coming home safely everyday, food, shelter, family/friends, a job, etc. At any given moment anyone's life is destined to change in the blink of an eye. Give people their flowers while they're here.

Because of divine timing although a tragedy happened, I was able to be tended to correctly by trained and timely medical professionals. Because of divine timing, although I can't drive for one year, I'm at least living in a state where I don't necessarily "need" a car. Because of divine timing my family and friends for yearrsssss came together like I have never seen before for the sake of little ole me. My heart is full! Overjoyed! I am truly loved abundantly more than I really knew. God is SO SO amazing. Thank you for your prayers, your kind words, and most importantly taking the time to read this post. (Ya'll know this is my baby)

It's okay to not be able to be everything to everyone. My energy is SO magnetic but it's not free. And neither is yours. Above all else, always choose YOU!

Until we "read" again . . .

Love and light always

Niyah ♡