Clocked In Checked Out

This is for the ones who’ve been showing up for themselves over and over—and are still sitting with that quiet, aching question: “What now?” or perhaps "What next?" You’ve read the books, done the therapy, self-reflected, prayed the prayers, maybe even applied to the school or considered the career change. But even with all that inner and outer work, your heart still feels like it’s floating in the in-between—like you’re no longer who you used to be, but not quite rooted or fully aware of who you’re becoming. This is the part of the journey no one warned us about—the part where progress doesn’t always feel empowering, and clarity doesn’t show up on a schedule. So, if you’ve been doing everything right (or trying) and still feel like you’re fumbling in the dark, I hope this resonates with you. You’re not crazy. You’re not behind. And no, all the effort hasn’t been for nothing.

I used to think I always had to explain why I needed something different. Why working in environments that didn’t feed me often felt like it was slowly dimming my light. Why doing things just because "that’s how it’s done" made me question my own brilliance and creative capabilities. If I wasn’t afraid of being misunderstood (which happens), I’d admit that the 9-5 life makes me itch. There’s a different kind of soul ache that comes from waking up every day, putting on your “professional” face, and clocking in somewhere that sometimes feels like it's chipping away at your spirit little by little. It’s that subtle erosion of joy. You’re sitting in meetings, answering emails, being productive—but your mind and soul has quietly left the building. It's this robotic feeling of feeling creatively bored even though you’re talented as hell. You start to question yourself: “Am I being ungrateful?” “Is it me?” “Shouldn’t I just push through?” As I'm getting older, I'm starting to come to the realization that, a steady check doesn’t always equal peace. And just because a job is “secure” doesn’t mean my spirit is.

AND LET'S BE VERY CLEAR. Just because I’m not leaping out of bed excited to push someone else’s dream (in spite of my own) doesn’t mean I’m lazy. Just because I want space to think, breathe, and create doesn’t mean I lack drive. My ambition just looks different. It’s quieter. Soul-driven. Focused on freedom—not productivity for productivity’s sake. And no, in no fashion am I saying to quit your job today (unless you’re already halfway out the door—then peace, love, and PTO). But what I am saying is, even if you're clocking into someone else's vision right now, don’t lose sight of the fact that you are the dream. You are the vision. And your calling didn't expire just because you're temporarily working outside of it. Yes, the bills are real. The obligations are loud. But even in the middle of that, you owe it to yourself to protect and nurture the things that put you in flow—those moments where time disappears and your soul feels wide awake.

For me personally, the things that put me in my "flow" state are, writing, painting, coloring, building Legos, birth work, podcasting (tehehe), and whatever other creative projects/ventures that continue to present themselves on my journey. Whatever that thing is for you, if it lights you up—it deserves your attention. Even if you can only give it 15 minutes after a long day. Even if no one’s watching yet. You’re not too late. Your path isn’t less valid if it doesn’t look like everyone else's. Don't get caught up in the rapture of social media. The magic happens in the middle. The in-between. The part where you’re quietly doing the work no one sees, planting seeds, and showing up—even when it feels like nothing is blooming yet. But never stop watering your own garden just because you’re helping keep someone else’s alive.

In conclusion, don't let the grind make you forget the gift.

xoxo,

Niyah Ashe'