Broke My Heart but Fixed My Vision

Ya'll, it's been tooooooooooooo damn long, and if there's anything I'm going to do in relation to this blog, you can always count on me for an "end of the year wrap up". lol

It's amazing to see how much has changed and manifested just by reflecting on the year as a whole, and the pieces I've written over the last 4 years. Shoutout to my ex for being not only a loser, but a tool of enlightenment to hop in my MF bag with this blog!

To know what I've considered to be a release for me, has become a revelation for others is a feeling I can't even explain. Like wow, people really fuck with me and what I have to say? I like to think of my blog as my own personal podcast, but in writing form lol. So as always, I appreciate you guys for taking the time to read this.

Even as I sit here and put this together, I feel so much grace in knowing that there's no shame if I couldn't make the time to write as much as I used to. There's no shame in admitting that life had to teach me some things that required me to drop to my knees for answers. There's no shame in realizing the strong friend, girlfriend sister, daughter, niece, and cousin got tired of being the strong friend, girlfriend, sister, daughter, niece, and cousin. Most importantly above all else.... there's no shame in admitting that life had to reveal a lot of situations and circumstances to me that made me come to terms with, I'm not the person I was a year ago, and that's such a beautiful thing.

They say "God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers" but this year in particular, it often felt like I was fighting battles that I didn't deserve. More often than not, it felt like I was always getting the short end of the stick. The things that were happening were so heavy and the realizations and emotions that came with that were even heavier. It felt like I allowed life to take my light. The light that I was using for myself wasn't shining for what felt like too long.

2022, was the year I had to pull myself out of some dark places by aligning my behavior with my thoughts and desires. I had to remember that the way I speak to myself matters. I couldn't forget that no matter what capacity people may know me..........it's STILL (and always will be) a privilege to know me. I had to bring light to a lot of my shadows. Give myself some credit for doing a beautiful job with figuring out some heavy shit. Become fully aware that I AM a rare being and should always be treated as such. But most importantly, this year I had to come to terms with the fact that I endured a lot of things that broke my heart, but ultimately it fixed my vision.

These past twelve months I really had to get my shit together. And getting your shit together requires such a deep level of honesty with yourself that I can't even begin to explain. The things that I allowed to break my heart or often disappoint me, I noticed always had to do with people, in particularly men. I found myself always overcompensating and receiving very little in return. Overcompensating my time, my love, my creativity, my thoughtfulness, my advice, my space, my energy, my heart. It was a weird realization because I've always stood on the belief that you should treat people how you want to be treated. But what I didn't take full acknowledgement of was, the way a person (a man) treats you is a very clear indication of how he feels about you. Point blank period. I was "ride or die" for way too long. I don't reward mistreatment, even if you didn't mean it. I had to understand I have control over how long I hold onto things that aren't also holding onto me because I'm worth connections that have spiritual depth. Too often I was encountering/attracting unhealed individuals looking for someone to live in.

The funny thing about life is, everything always ends up working out. Sometimes even better than you can imagine. The actual truth is, there are people who see my heart and I really am loved. I say this with my ego completely deflated.......but with the rareness and purity I possess, I don't lose people, people lose me. 2022 granted me the opportunity to really see that by presenting me with a man that not only sees me, but skillfully respects me. They say the hardest relationship anyone can experience is the healthy one after the toxic one because nobody normalizes how hard it is to unlearn all the toxic behaviors YOU adapted as coping mechanisms. Nobody talks about how hard it is to convince yourself that you're safe now. Nobody discusses that partnership isn't supposed to feel hard. It's light, its patient, its kind, it's home.

I think I eternalized so much hurt, pain, trauma, tears, and sadness that it started to play a part on my health in relation to my seizures (which essentially stem from stress). But the power within me is stronger than the 1%. Every single thing I may have endured is what brought me to my current partnership. Had I not been able to go through those things, I don't think I would have been able to receive him and appreciate him in the way that I do. He's helped bring a lot of things to the surface for me and has helped even more by helping me address those things in a healthy manner. I wasn't fully aware that the things I allowed, settled for, and tolerated was me operating at a low vibration. I know I'm a big deal, I know I'm loving. But it was never my duty to try to prove that to anyone.

I write all this to say, if you don't do anything......please don't ever close yourself out from love. Of course, I struggle with days where I wish I could kiss the old me on the forehead and say, "hey, you didn't deserve any of it." But I'm living proof that you can, and you will get through it. Don't forget how emotionally gifted you are. Be very mindful of those who are and are not skilled to receive. Understand that cut offs aren't personal, but spiritual. Stop associating with people you bonded with through your trauma self, and not your healing self. Know the peace you have now is worth everything you ever left behind. When you catch yourself asking for the bare minimum, stop wishing or waiting for things to be better, just move better. Always know that niggas will NEVER find you where they left you at! Life hits different when you're in it, and don't you EVER forget that.

Crazy thing is, nobody can give me the love I have for myself within, so how could they ever take it away? I'm so up right now, the losses don't even matter because like a plant, I'm capable of growing in dark places. ♥

Until we read again,

Niyah ♥

XOXO